Why did I come to business school?

The classical music plays on my headphones, drowning out the silence of the library in sweet Debussy.  The music keeps me calm, an invaluable feeling in business school where stress is often my motivation.  Calm music clears my mind, allowing it to wander to more inward looking thoughts.

How did I find myself here, stressing about what I am going to do with my life?  I've been trying to take the observer's perspective as they teach in yoga.  Observing keeps one from making stress inducing judgements.  I've been stressing about my future since I entered business school over a year ago.  I came to business school to answer this question, and I am still looking for that answer.

I applied to business school after working for two on and off years for a company that was at best a bad fit.  Why did I apply to that company?  I graduated in 2010, and I completely failed to find any type of meaningful employment for nearly three months.  I had the horrible sense of unease that comes just after graduation.  I was like Benjamin in The Graduate, at the bottom of the swimming pool.  Looking back, I have to note that I wasn't very good at looking for what to do with myself.  Two years later, although I still had not learned what I was looking for, I did learn where to look for opportunities.        

Stress is a physiological response to one's environment.  It serves to focus the mind on one task.  Flee, fight, buckle down and write that important paper, they are all a reaction to an external force.  In my life, a mistake I have made is letting that external force decide what I was to do.  My reliance on stress comes in part for my persistent procrastination and my self destructive tendencies.  Back in my senior year of high school, I pioneered new ground in living without giving a fuck.  At the time, perhaps, I failed to understand what I was doing in life, but I can't really ask my past self what I was thinking then.

So, in my moments of stressless-ness, I can ask what is it that I want to do one, two years hence.  I know what some pieces of that picture look like.  I own a house.  I live with Ashley.  I am awesome.  I am successful.  Ok, but what do those things mean?

For me, success means finding external validation while being true to yourself.  Being awesome means living an interesting life.  Let's come back to being true.  Truth is reality unfiltered.  Truth is not manipulating yourself, especially not for someone else's purpose.  Truth is a correct set of priorities, Prof. Sarin's glass ball of family and friends, the ball you do not drop while juggling life.  Truth is being honest with yourself and achieving self expression.

Expression is always something I've had an uneasy relationship with.  First, I have a major block when it comes to formulating thoughts;  I didn't speak until I was two.  Expression is not something that is forced.  It feels like a conversation you are enjoying with a close friend over a drink.  Except that instead of speaking, expression can be anything.  For example, I am expressing myself all over the place right here.